Sunday, January 30, 2011

Losing Weight...


Yes, I am a fickle friend.


I realize that you've all given up on me/us because you all gave me grief for not ever posting anything new and I tried to be better but only got one post in. So, now I really do have to get down to business and start blogging again. The really etertaining thing is that it seems like half of my blog posts are about writing more blog posts! :0)


To be totally honest with you guys I haven't been very motivated to write any posts because I feel like I have to dig deep to find anything worth writing about. This is a confession because I'm admitting how discouraging I feel our life is lately. If I had a more positive outlook on our lives right now I would probably be sharing every detail of my daughter's life like most great mom's do. But considering that I haven't felt like I could put myself in that category then it really doesn't matter. And therein lies my problem...I am a good mom/decent mom and I realize that so don't feel like I'm really depressed but there have been a lot of things in my life lately that have been wearing on me and making me feel less and less like I have anything blog-worthy. Now that that's out you're probably all gonna worry about me. But don't, at least not a lot--everyone likes to be worried about a little!


So I guess the best I can do at this point is vent...

Let me start off by saying that I have no idea how you full-time working mom's last for as long as you do. Kudos to all of you because I'm definitely not your caliber!! I find that I'm becoming more and more impressed with women like that who seem to have it all together all the time--working, wife-ing, mom-ing...crazy impressive! I feel like I can only be so good one role at a time. Maybe I feel like a phenomenal employee one day (or maybe it could last a whole week), but then I get home and everything else has fallen through the cracks and my baby's eating three day old raisins off the floor that the broom never swept (cause it does sweep all by itself or why else would we always be leaving stuff on the floor, eh?). Or maybe I cleaned the whole entire house, fed the baby incredible food and got her to bed on time. The next day I get to work and have nothing left to give! I've heard that balance is the key and the concept seems clear enough but application is a lot trickier than it sounds. Sometimes I think that in order to balance my life out I'm gonna have to look like one of those crazy guys from cirque du soleil who balance their entire weight on a toothpick. Besides I've never had that great of coordination :0)


I feel that my lack of fervor for life is wearing on those around me and turning me into a person I don't wanna be. Who wants to be around someone like Eeyore the donkey who is always grey and has a lack-lustre outlook on life? Really, at heart I AM a happy-go-lucky type of person but anyone who only met me recently would probably have a hard time beleiving that. I find myself wondering "What happened to that old me?" The one in that photo from a couple years ago looking like I had the world on a string around my finger instead of the one taken recently where I look like I'm carrying the world on my back. Seriously guys, how do I go about emptying the weights that I feel like I'm having to bear lately??


Truly it's a little hard for me to vent like this because I don't want to weigh anyone else down or have you end up beleiving that I AM a depressed person who only ever complains (I feel like that's what I'm doing a lot lately). But I suppose everyone feels like this every once in a while and I'm hoping you can help me turn that frown upside down and feel blog-worthy again :0)


The end...finally right?


*Rachel*

2 comments:

Em said...

Rachel- you are an amazing woman! Being a mom is so hard. Working full time and being a full time mom is unimaginably difficult. Just staying home is sometimes too much to bear. Thank goodness for the Internet and technology to keep us all connected as moms so we can go through it all together. As far as I can tell, motherhood and life in general goes in phases. Sometimes good sometimes bad boring frustrating excruciating wonderful, and so forth. I call myself bipolar mama sometimes bc I can be so blissful one minute and five minutes later I feel like I want to cry from being so overwhelmed. It sounds like you are struggling with some feelings that are really difficult to work through. What emotional support are you getting outside of your immediate family? I have to have help from friends, but when I was super depressed after Brennan I needed help from my doctor. It helped me a lot to write about my feelings, especially the really dark ones. I am thinking of you.

Liana said...

Ok, so I'm finally catching up after reading your comment on facebook, I wanted to get caught up. First of all, can I just say thanks for venting! Your post felt like it was coming from my thoughts, I feel alot like an incompetent mother and wife every single day. I compare myself to everyone, which definetely doesn't help. I have the hardest time just getting down on the floor to play with Ethan, let alone teach him all his shapes, colors, speech, potty training, getting him to eat something even remotely healthy, it's just so dang hard. Then add on top of that, trying to keep up your relationship with your husband and the house, and you are working! Hang in there woman, you are not alone in your feelings and don't be afraid to vent, I try to blog about both sides of life and be real, some days that's just a pure hellish post and I try my best not to feel bad about it. I just figure, hey maybe I can help someone by sharing my experiences. Oh and I look at photos from years ago and wonder where that girl went too and always wish she'd come back. Take things one small step at a time... that's what I tell myself when things are bad. You are awesome!!! And to add to your friend's comment above, medications in combination with counseling and other at home techniques and alot of help from family saved my life after having Ethan.... and I'm still being treated for it 2 1/2 years later and may very well end up having to use meds on and off or permantently, we're still trying to figure it all out. So don't give up no matter what and hang in there!